Poetry
by Ayuka Kathryn
Summary: Hijikata's thoughts on those close to him and his poetry on the morning before the Ikedaya Affair.


Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Peacemaker Kurogane. Quotes used in this fic are from the English version of the anime. Also, the words in the last haiku are also attributed to the anime.

_Spring morning sunlight_

_Up in the most Eastern skies_

_I watch the up rise_

"_This is horrible._" Hijikata thought. It was the morning of perhaps the most important night of their lives, and he was writing poetry. As he flipped to a new page of his haiku collection, he heard soft footsteps outside his doorway, followed by a gentle "Mr. Hijikata!"

_Soji. Damnit. _He quickly tucked the collection underneath his shirt as the young man entered his room.

"Good morning, Mr. Hijikata! Now what's a person like you doing up in this early hour?" he said, smiling. Hijikata grunted.

"Soji, you know very well how important our work is today. Masaya has revealed his scheme to us. All units are to mobilize this evening. I've made the arrangements for you to lead to death shift, as you requested."

"Now come on, Mr. Hijikata! The units won't be ready to leave for at least ten hours!" Soji graced another smile, "Would you like to go take a walk?"

"No." Hijikata remained sitting with his arms across his chest, tightly clutching the collection on haiku.

Soji appeared taken back by his quick response, yet appeared joyful nonetheless. Hijikata really envied the young man. How someone could remain so happy and carefree after many long years of bloodshed, he could not understand. Soji Okita was a man of many contradictions. Underneath his gentle and innocent eyes was a vile demonic child, capable of slicing through flesh and draining life without any emotion or second thought. If Soji had never met him, Toshizo Hijikata, if he had never joined the Shinsengumi, if he had never picked up a sword at the tender age of nine, would he come to know the feeling of true happiness? Was this all a mask? Soji was not a child of demons, only a mere human.

"Mr. Hijikata. If something is bothering you, you can't keep it bottled up inside." The first unit captain of the Shinsengumi stared sadly the vice-commander before opening up the shoji door and leaving.

_And I was nine….So that's it, isn't it? You don't want to make that same mistake…_

Soji had his childish side to hide behind. When the shear loss of humanity became too great that even the strongest hearts could not mend, Soji would pretend. His soul would cover those feelings of regret and he would smile. Smile, because he could enjoy the simple pleasures in life as a playful child and forget the life of Soji Okita of the Shinsengumi.

_Really now. _Hijikata thought. Why couldn't he forget all his problems like Soji could?

Maybe it was because all of Soji's problems were caused by him.

"_Mr. Hijikata…It's not your fault…….it's…..not your fault..."_

_We all hide ourselves behind a mask. No one must know what we go through. No one must experience the horrors we do and see. No one must feel our regret._

Pulling out his haiku collection, Hijikata began to write.

_Flowers fall through eyes_

_I see the leaves wilt carefree_

_Soaking in the ground_

Now matter how many times the man practiced his poetry, it never got any better.

Another knock on the door. Glancing around his quarters, Toshi decided upon hiding the collection underneath a stack of Shinsengumi articles. The person did not call out their name as they entered. Keisuke Yamanami slid the shoji door shut and sat down a safe distance away from the other vice commander.

Yamanami looked pale. The color had been drained from his face, giving it a ghostly white and haunted appearance. His eyes seemed unfocused and confused. It made sense, seeing that Hijikata already knew that the man was ill. Was he really sick?

"Yet again, Hijikata, I am deeply sorry that I am unable to do anything at this crucial moment….."

There is no medicine for emotional sickness.

"Please, let me reassure so that I will do everything you ask in accordance to the preparations for tonight, Hijikata."

"There is no need, Yamanami." Hijikata sighed, "I will not demand your assistance in tonight's raid. I only ask that you make haste with your recovery."

After the assassination of Kamo Serizawa, Yamanami's sword had gone bad. He would be too weak to face the bloodshed of tonight. He would be too weak to face the bloodshed of the days to come.

"Tomorrow, I shall return to my work in bookkeeping. If there is anything in which I can do to aid in this situation, please do not hesitate to ask." Yamanami resisted the urge to bow to his equal. Hijikata noticed that he seemed extremely uncomfortable and boxed in.

Yamanami made a great bookkeeper. He was comfortable working on assignments with numbers and scriptures rather than blood and swords. Toshi could understand what it felt to take a different path than the sword; he was once a medicine peddler. However, unlike Yamanami, there was no other path for him. Caught up in this information war, it was his duty to make the Shinsengumi operations run smoothly. He would have enjoyed spending his days as a medicine peddler, but to do that would be to abandon his duty. Maybe that was why they called him the demon vice-commander? He could not think about anything other than duty.

The angel vice-commander, however, could find peace with his abacus. He had the love and admiration of all his men.

For that moment all was quiet. The awkward silence was unnerving.

Duty. That word had resulted in ..'complications'.. with the assassination of Serizawa. Because of his duty Hijikata's appeared cold-hearted and was feared by his men. Yamanami was by far uncertain of the outcome when he took up his sword that night to kill the former commander. Truthfully, both vice-commanders did not want to kill one of the founders in which the Shinsengumi owed its existence to. The problem had to be taken care of in the name of duty. It didn't mean that Hijikata felt that is was the right thing to do, he was uncertain as well.

_"We're not talking about something so deep here, are we? He was useful….and now he isn't. That's all there is to it."_

Yamanami stood up. "Farewell, Hijikata." he said as he gently shut the door behind him, his footsteps growing lighter by the second.

That feeling of uncertainty was back again. What about tonight? What if they raided the wrong residence? What if innocent lives were lost?

_"Are you serious? Do you seriously mean what you just said? Hijikata….stop!"_

_Our lives are filled with uncertainty. Every path we choose will not always bring us happiness. We fight without knowing the consequences, we kill and become demons._

Toshi flipped through the articles and was once again starring at the collection of haiku.

_Silver moon creeps up_

_Onward the fluorescent stars _

_Shine brightly this night_

That one had to be the worst yet. He ripped the page out and crumbled it, throwing it into a corner. He suddenly noticed that someone else was heading softly towards his quarters. The footsteps were approaching more quickly, leaving him fewer options and places to hide the haiku. Hastily, he threw the book towards the other side of the room. It landed with a soft 'thump' as Toshi turned to his doorway.

Susumu hadn't bothered to knock. He slipped into the vice commander's quarters silently and sat, bowing, a far distance away from Hijikata.

"Sir, many of the Choshu clansmen are in the hiding at this place in time. After the incident this morning, few have been wandering around the village." Susumu's hands were placed firmly on the floor mat. His head remained bowed, never looking up to become face to face with his superior.

"They're hiding. Most possibly at one of the low maintenance inns in this district."

"Sir, is it time?" He could feel the younger man's hands shaking. He knew this day would come. The game of conceal and chase was over, it was now time for the Choshu to be devoured. Given the information they received, the Wolves of Mibu would blindly and abruptly hunt down their enemy.

"Tonight," Hijikata began, "We'll smoke them out. The Choshu's plans for burning the capital will be doused by our swords."

For Susumu, the pressure was unbearable. Having seen failure, having to go through the death of his only sister, he became focused on only the missions given to him. This evening, failure was not an option. Failure would mean not only the death of himself, but the death of the city of Kyoto.

Ayumu's final wish was for him was to be happy. Hijikata knew that as well. Yamazaki, he was only fifteen; the same age as Tetsunosuke. At such a young age, Susumu was too serious.

His job required him to be serious.

"You will be stationed on top the Ikedaya Inn. Any information regarding the Choshu shall be given to Commander Kondo. His men will be sweeping the area on that side of the river."

"Yes sir." His job also required supreme obedience. Any job he was given by the vice commander would be carried out in full, despite the danger of the situation. The vice-commander was always right.

_In anything and everything you do sir, there is no mistake._

_Ayumu was a better spy than Yamazaki. _Toshi thought, _How would she have carried out this plan? _Her disguise would allow her to sit and chat with the Choshu men. Susumu would have to spy from the outside.

When Susumu was sighted by the opposing clan, he became useless as an internal spy. Ayumu had to be used in his place.

_"Besides, if Ms. Osen was no good, Yumi the hairdresser will take action." _

But Ayumu had botched her former job. It really was his fault to send her in the depths on the Choshu, spying from the inside. Both the Yamazaki's had been his pawns in fighting the information war. When Ayumu had failed, he had taken the opportunity to raid Masaya and capture Furutaka. The mission overall had been successful; he had learned about the Choshu's meeting to discuss the fires.

That could not replace the loss of Ayumu. The day she died, Susumu failed not only as a spy, but as a younger brother. Hijikata failed in protecting the Shinsengumi's beloved older sister.

Tetsu would teach Susumu how to open up to his emotions. He would learn how to laugh and love. Although Tetsu fails considerably when it comes to his page duties, he is still able to be cheerful and aid others, Hijikata would admit. Failure was something Tetsu would teach Susumu how to forget.

That day when Tetsu had rescued a young girl from the Choshu and Soji was forced to kill one of the clansmen, he took the blame for the incident. The Shinsengumi's failure was his own personal failure.

"The information you will bring us tonight is vital, Yamazaki. Be cautious."

"Yes sir." Susumu raised himself and took a few steps back. He bowed once again to the vice-commander, and gently shut the shoji door.

_Failure is not easy to forget. We fail the ones we care for and tear our insides apart. Failure leads to the ultimate sacrifice, yet we feel its sting in everyday life. _

Hijikata remained silent for a moment, and then realized what he had been doing. He scrambled over to the corner and retrieved his haiku book. This time, however, he chose not to open the book. Other thoughts were occupying his mind, making it impossible to force out another haiku.

Did it really matter? He was never any good at writing haiku. A soft, poetic side did not come easy to one who is known as the 'demon vice-commander' or a 'wolf of Mibu." The others, they could settle down and enjoy such simple, nontrivial things. They could let loose and forget all their troubles.

Maybe that was why he was so horrible at poetry….he never had time to write it.

Tonight, when they sweep the inns and force out the Choshu, poetry will not matter. For now, to quell those feelings that he dare not reveal to anyone, not even Soji, not even Mr. Kondo, poetry would be his meaningless escape. The others, they would never know that gentle part of him. To them, he will always be their fearless leader, upholding the honor and forever following the samurai code.

He would live and die for the Shinsengumi, it was his destiny.

But just for that moment, he wanted to pretend everything would be fine. He wanted to relax and write his poetry. Be truly at ease and at peace. Just for that moment, the Shinsengumi would not matter. His feelings of regret, uncertainty, and failure would fade, extinguished like a candle flame.

Tonight…he would be a demon once again. He'll be forced to kill without thinking of the consequences, all for the sake of maintaining the peace. If there is truth and justice in the Shinsengumi, he'll be content. If he could write just one decent haiku, he'll be content.

And tonight, Toshizo Hijikata will do whatever he has to. Full of heart of void of emotions…..angel or demon….honor or disgrace…all will be for the Shinsengumi.

_Bright days of sunshine_

_Bloody days of rain, yet I_

_Still, remain pristine _

Thank you for reading this story! I would really appreciate any comments. I do except flames, but if you are going to flame, please make the fire extremely large with lots of paper and backup comments to support! I do not take kindly to one-line flames.

As this is my first fic, I do realize that I am not much of a writer. I do, however, love Peacemaker Kurogane and wish to share this fic with the fanficion community, no matter what some may think of my writing style.


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